At the crossroads...

(Meditation, formulated by Swami B.A. Paramadvaiti)

Transitions of life are like crossroads. They oblige us to make decisions.

And through those decisions our future destinations are coming about. Those

transitions are very crucial and very beneficial. Transitions are moments of

reflection and re-evaluation.

Am I going in the right direction? Am I doing the right thing? How much more

time do I have to change for the right thing?

Am I too attached to the wrong thing? Have I not yet expressed my

gratefulness to all those who have been giving so much care and help to me?

Have I incurred some kind of debt by using others unduly for my benefits?

Have I been just when my power of judgment was called upon? Have I been

loving when only love could solve the problem? Or did I make things worse by

not being loving and caring? What did I do to deserve love and enlightenment?

What did I do to deserve to be told the truth if I accustomed myself to

speaking lies to others?

All the boons and benefits I obtained throughout my life were the products

of some guiding hand from behind the screen who I have greatly ignored until

today. I have taken things for granted. I have taken things to be accidental

favors, coincidences, chance or just my luck.

And I have ignored that everything which is beyond my power of knowing and

doing is so well organized, so fantastically coordinated. But I lived my

life just under the temptations of my sensual exploits.

Shame upon me. I am truly the personification of ungratefulness. And what to

speak of compassion which I know nothing about really. Taking care of others

who are in need. I've always tried to avoid that as for as possible.

I have simply passed many, many hours of my valuable life wasting them away,

wasting them in the most shameful and silly ways imaginable. I did not ask

what I should do to make my life worth living.

I did not ask what the world has provided to me which gives my life the

power of accomplishing something positive and progressive for my eternal

soul. Captured by the shining bottles of advertisement I have wasted away so much

money and my own health as well. Now at the fag end of my life I'm trying to

reflect. Is there anything which still can be done about my sorry plight?

Is there anything I can do to be redeemed for my own ignorance? Is there

anyone who can forgive my countless negligences and offences? Is there any

chance that the people and animals that I have hurt in my lifetime can grace

me with forgiveness?

Is there any instance high and powerful enough to straighten out my crooked

existence? Hopelessly crying and lamenting for all the wrong I ever did, I

come to the universal powerhouse of love and cry from the deepest corner of

my heart for mercy.

Be merciful unto me, pick me up from the dark region of filthy mind

entanglements. I am being a prisoner of my own cultivation of lust, anger

and greed. Now I want to request that what I do not deserve shall take

place, therefore I'm praying for this causeless grace. Because there is no

cause in my life for getting grace.

If you want do the right thing today, I pray to you, Lord of love, to pave

my way. And to guide me so that I may not return to that place where one is so

prone to make mistakes all along.

Is there nothing I can say in my own defense, anything to plead for another

chance? I may say it was the dark times and I was just a puppet of my lust,

but that won't be enough. Only surrender is the power to obtain grace, total

surrender, the white flag, this signal of full repenting, zero conditions and all
willingness of submissive cooperation. Surrender in love.
Surrender in gratefulness. Surrender in hope.

Due to my hopeless condition I surrender because of my final conclusion to

accept my embarrassing situation of not being able to do anything of my own

plight except to surrender.

I'm not a wise soul who has come to surrender. I'm simply a defeated and

frustrated egotist who has been smashed by the accumulation of my sinful

mentalities and now I would like to invoke the beautiful vocabulary of the

devotees of God.

They speak about surrender to God as the culmination of their devotional efforts,

but in my case it is the conclusion of not having any other alternative. It is the
final and only choice unless i just want to forget about all this and go to pay for
all the mistakes I did.

But will you be able to forgive me my Lord? I've heard that you are the most

powerful of all, people describe you to be the unlimited omnipotent and

all-knowing Lord. Will you be able to make a special exception for me?

Will you be able to grant me your grace? Or is my pleading totally out of

place? Do I first have to go and pay for all the wrong I did. You are in the

full right to make me brokenhearted and smash me again and again. I may

request that you may make it a short ordeal but even that request I have no

right for.

Today on this day at the crossroads of my life I have decided not to return

again. I know where I'm coming from. The jungle of illusions have swept me

from one side to the other. And I know that I will be captured again if I lose
the sight of your l feet, of your divine instructions, of the association of those
who try to become your beloved.

I met your devotees because they're so merciful as to pay attention to

people like me. They're doing anything and everything possible to connect

all their brothers and sisters to the divine reality. They are really

wonderful people and they dragged me into this world of spiritual awareness

even though I was totally ignorant and had no capacity of appreciation.

I was taught like most others that my ancestors were monkeys and that money

is the goal of life. And once you get money you get any type of pleasure

money can buy until you faint, until you die.

Because time, they said, was set only once and that when the end approaches

you lose the last chance and that therefore you should enjoy everything you

can. Don't worry or care. We are all the same. Survival of the fittest. Kill

them before they kill you, and forget about higher consciousness.

The only one important here, that is you, your senses, your body, the temple

of life, enjoyment of any kind, the reason to strive. Sincerity and honesty

are obstacles on your path. Just rape, rob and pillow, to get all what you

love.

And the small doses of sentimentality I harbored along the way made me feel

I was a good citizen, father, husband in some way. I had a public and a

private life. But I really live in my secret, desperate chamber of selfish

satisfactions.

Corruption was simply a part of the game. If you don't participate only you

are to blamed because after all here we are the same, cheaters and cheated.

Makes sure you stay above. Only sentimental fools think they have enough.

Greed is the weed which penetrates all. Get more and more. With that spirit

we go to the mall. Shopping spree, Christmas season, buy it all. Provide

your senses with the maximum amount of enjoyments and don't worry about

Iraq, Afghanistan or Vietnam or the animals in the slaughterhouses, or the

exploited and poisoned planet which provides for everyone.

This and similar things were the sum and substance of my education and I ate

it up without any remorse and when I felt it was wrong I anyway went along.

Becoming inside a comformist destroying my capacity to be bright, to reflect

and to reject all that is wrong to promote what is right.

Understanding the other side of the downtrodden poor sad and unprivileged I

was proud of my superior chance to exploit. What an embarrassing life. And

shame came to me, but that made it even worse. I turned to intoxicate my

existence. To take the anesthesia of illusion, or illusory joy.

Bombing my nervous system even chemicals they employ, or alcohol,

psychedelic drugs, or all mixed together. I became a wreck. Worse than even

low animal conditions.

And when I realized that I was hooked on this stuff I started to sell it,

because I couldn't get enough. Creating the same misery of drug addiction

for others as well. Misery loves company. So my life became hell. Drugged

out in despair. No shame, almost lame. I lost all my energy.

Destroying my brain. Further egotism invading. It got worse and worse.

Little hope was there for me. Many friends I saw, losing everything. What

were the destinations? Jail, mad house or cemetery. Leaving crying mothers,

children and wives behind.

There was the wonderful proposal for those who are in the illusions tie.

Apparently out of control, no criteria, no remorse. I became a fatalistic

philosopher, justifying the course which I had taken in illusion denying God

his position.

Priding myself of my rotten intellectualism and subscribing myself to the

existential conclusion of Albert Camus, that the perfection of existence is

to know how you can end it. Suicidal existence, slow suicide. Because I was

not bold enough to do it quick.

Or maybe some hope remained deep inside that I could be drawn to another

side. That I can find the sacred grail even though I wasn't looking for it

at all. At least I made no efforts. Nothing to deserve the association of

saints or any other relief.

Then in my delusion what a surprise. I heard "You are God". You yourself are

the top of existence. You only have to open your eyes to recognize your

spiritual superbness to find your immaculate essence, and become one with

that light which I had no idea of.

Having lost sight of that glaring effulgence, that truth, basis of all,

and now after all my misery and all my ignorance and all the pain I've

given to others, now I was crowned and being told, that there is nobody

above me, that I myself was the topnotch unit of this creation. I just have

to become aware of it.

I must say I was charmed, it appealed to my lifestyle that for yourself

anything goes. So I went to search out for those who could teach me how I

was God. How I was going to be able to rejoice my own superiority. Little or

nothing they spoke about God, maintainer and creator. That was not part of

their vocabulary.

They tried to reduce everything by saying things like "You are That", or

"Wherever you go you'll only find yourself". But my problem was that I was

pretty tired of myself. So if the only thing I could find was going to be

myself, that was not a very appealing proposal.

But still, as all of us, I was still searching for someone who admired my

position. Someone who would give me feedback. So I won't deny that I was

kept quite entertained with my ego-dance.

It's a topmost illusion to think you're God. Topmost cheating, to think that

there is nobody you can or have to be thankful for or that you should submit

to. But as you can imagine I thought the whole idea was pretty cool.

But when I approached the yogis to get some enlightenment I had to realize

that I had no financial capacity for that. It was pretty costly to get enlightened.
And for hippies like myself there wasn't really any range so I became very
disheartened again.

And I request that special mercy be given to me, the most undeserving.

Because I just cannot see any other way. And mercy of course means that

there is somebody who can grant, who can give special consideration for me

who am so far gone.

And then I heard that voice unbelievably sweet and clear. It told me watch

out and be concerned that all those who are near to you they are your chance

to change, your chance to serve, your chance to care, your chance to repair,

your chance to repent, because all of us sons and daughters of him make each

others life meaningful.

The people around us give us the chance to be with God. The Guru represents
Krishna and the people you serve represent your Gurudeva making the circle
complete. And even that what you have done to the smallest and most
insignificant creature, that you have done to God personally.

It's the humble service, the profound compassion, which starts entitling us

to see the message of Gauranga, the golden Lord. The master and yogi of

divine love. He gave us everything within and beyond imagination by teaching us that

the spiritual reflection is in the understanding that I am not this body,

neither are the others.

We have to turn towards the goal to form a divine family. Treat each other

with love, stop useless practices, killing animals, intoxication, unregulated

sex life, gambling, wasting time with gossip and television. God gave our

life a totally new chance. Don't sleep to much . Don't eat anything sinful,

but only blessed food.

And in every moment you can try to be that friend of the others who they

need. Love everybody from your heart, because the Lord of your heart is also

in their heart. Don't hurt anyone if you can avoid it. And listen to the

sacred invitation which the Lord has provided us with in such a unique way.

To practice spirituality is not a luxury. It's not really the choice of a few

bright people. It's the last and only chance for all those who don't want

to go on cheating themselves and cheating others. Who knows how many
moments we have in our life to think like that and to reflect like this.

Who knows how often I will have the chance to pray. Who knows how often I

can cry remorsefully and do something valuable. Who knows whether I can

maintain my consciousness in this reflection and take the necessary decision

to act in the correct way.

No more mundane reactions. Every second is precious. Every minute a boon.

Every day a miracle. You can chant God's name and very soon you will see that

golden lord dancing all over your life, changing your friends. You can become

an instrument of his love if you aspire so, he will make the arrangements

for that.

Even death, the last entry will then be welcomed. Because if you want to

serve God you can do that in any destination because he is the Lord of life

and eternal existence. Death is simply the changing of a dress, the walking

from one chapter of your existence into the next.

Don't be afraid. If you surrender to his sweet powerful grace and take it

upon yourself to serve him alone your prospects are bright. No reason to mourn.
Let's join together as long as we can to create a nice environment, a nice
community with those who share our feelings and conclusions.

Learn from them and teach them and fight your anger all along. Because

there is no reason for you to be angry at all. If you really want to be

angry, be angry with yourself and control those senses which by God's grace

you can. But with all others, be friendly and loving.

Krishna will bless you and take you to his world of love which has been

expanded and represented by all the spiritual environments which are

available on this planet where Krishna is the enjoyer, where Krishna is the

proprietor, controller, friend. That is the real Vrindavan. Our divine

destination. The land of love.